Check_Me_Later on Xanga

Weblog

Monday, 29 December 2008

Searching for... something

I always forget about this thing until it comes to a time in my life where my relationship has gone askew. Relationship? Yes, let me brief you.

Over the summer I was at TLW, my sleep away camp from when I was a kid. I finally went back there and worked this time around. To make a long story short, this guy, Greg, and I were hooking up, he came home with me after camp, I basically fell in love with him after that, we started dating in September, were fine until just after Thanksgiving, and it's been rocky ever since. (Keep in mind he is from New Orleans, LA and goes to school in northern Louisiana. So this is very long distance- different time zone actually. And we have not seen each other since I took him to the airport in August.) There's another girl, but she's just a friend. He lied to me and about me, to her and about her and it's really all been one big headache. I gave him multiple chances to admit to somethings that the other girl told me and he didn't, but did on Christmas and then I told him I was done. I couldn't handle the lies anymore. There are somethings I would let him get away with lying about... his father is Will Smith, he has 12 sisters, he's been in movies, something. But don't lie to me about another girl and don't lie about me to that same girl. Anyways, we broke up, his mom (an absolute angel) and I talked- several times prior to this situation and then about the lying of course. She gave me some insight as to who he really is, asked me probing questions that really made me think, and what it all came down to was the fact that I still want to be with him despite all the lies and denial.

I always tell my girlfriends (the few that I have) and all of my boys to avoid toxic relationships and always get yourself out of them. DO NOT GO BACK TO THEM IF THEY HURT YOU LIKE THAT! But for some reason I just can't take my own advice.

So let me explain Greg. I love him. I really honestly and truly do. I would be lying if I said I didn't even after all we've been through. There is something about him that I just cannot let go of. He's completely different from everyone I've ever dated, slept with, or been in anything with. He's never smoked a cigarette, he's not a drug user, he doesn't have any tattoos, is still in school, is close to my age, he's just different. And maybe this is hard for me because I don't remember what it's like to have a relationship without using drugs, but I don't know. All I know is the love I have for him is real.

After breaking up on Christmas (I know, I'm a bitch), we haven't really spoken since. I talked to his mom, she got me thinking, I want to work for our relationship. But I pushed him away so hard and so far that right now, he's thinking about us, if there is still an us. I understand that. I was not a nice person to him after he lied to me again. It's just it's hard for the two of us considering we can't physically be with each other, not even have sex but to hug and hold and give a kiss after we say "I love you" and after everything... we still won't be able to. At least not soon. It drives me nuts to think about this.

I guess what I'm really asking is, is it worth it to try one more time? I promised him I wouldn't bring up the lying thing again, we'll move on. I promised him I would stop talking to the other girl (she and I have actually become fairly close now). And I promised him my trust, belief, and faith in him and in us. Do we go back for another round and hope for the best? Or should we merely be friends?

Last night I was at a party with some friends, and a few of us went back to my place, continued drinking and everyone ended up naked after playing a game of Kings. My next door neighbor was with us, and after the game was over, I put on my clothes, said good night and was trying to get ready for bed. My next door neighbor came into my room and was apparently expecting sex. He said that after sitting next to him naked, that it's the least I could do. It was his stupid rule during kings to get naked, I just played by the rules- sitting next to him meant nothing. He kept talking about nothing but basically trying to persuade me to sleep with him. I constantly told him no, no, no. He then said "well if I kiss you, I know you can't deny me" so he tried to kiss me and with my lips sealed and my eyes wide open he backed off and looked at me and said I was a bitch and a tease. All I could think of is "Where's Gregory?". I've been shaken up by this sexual assault and harassment but I can't talk to the boys cause they're all friends with him, my brother would flip, and I don't really want to talk to my girlfriend about it. I just want to talk to Greg. I just want to hear from him that I'll be okay. I called him to talk about it, but I'm sure he was asleep, all I got was a voicemail. I left one. Crying. Do I tell him everything that happened? I should. It's not like I was trying to sleep with him.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. Any answers? Any thoughts?

All I know is that I really do love Greg and care about him. That I can't hide, deny, or lie about, not even to myself.

Sunday, 08 June 2008

Another year of college down. Successful? In some ways.

This year was definitely my toughest year of life and school. First of all, anatomy and physiology kicked my ass the whole year through but it was the best learning experience of my life hands down. I know so much more than I could ever imagine about the muscles, bones, joints, ligaments, metabolism, cardiac cycles, and cats. For all the work it took for that class, I'm happy I took it because I learned two things: anatomy and physiology, but also how to learn.

I'm realizing that college isn't about learning much of anything- somethings people will take with them from certain classes that they will carry on and remember for the rest of their lives. But for the rest of us, we're really learning how to learn (and in my case how to learn how others learn). How do you learn? Well that I can't tell you, but I can tell you that if you want to know how to learn, go to class.

Concerning this year and life, well it was one hell of a ride that I wouldn't want anyone else in the world to go through. After struggling and what some may call "battling" with addiction, I've become a more real person and aware person. Now this isn't my proudest moment but I've come to terms with it and have accepted whatever judgments others make about me for this. My problem with it all is that after realizing and changing my problem with addiction, I lost the people closest to me. Consequently, those people were the ones that I did the most drugs with. So what does that say about our relationship? After having my two best friends leave me in the dust so they could continue their habits while making comments such as "that sucks for you cause it's not like we're going to change", I'm not asking you to change, I'm asking you to accept and respect my changes. Which they didn't. My roommate had stolen my student ID to put me on a wait list to actually move out of the house- yeah, it got that bad. But my other trustworthy and real friends helped me out through the whole situation with the roommate and my long road to being sober.

I miss my drugs. I really do, there's not a single day that has gone by in the past 4.5 months that I haven't dreamt about touching them again. But I know I can't. I can't for a multitude of reasons but I want that life back so bad. I would give up nearly anything to be able to live like that again. It was so much fucking fun. Although at the same time, I had no idea what was going on because I was so damn high. Regardless of anything though, every passing day is another day clean and another day I miss being trashed. For those that are able to continue with that lifestyle, just be smart about it. Be smart about everything you do- like blaze cruises are in fact the dumbest idea regardless of how much fun they are or how well you think you're handling the car. Trust me. Be smart. Think. And fucking laugh your ass off with your buddies cause otherwise it's a waste.

Relationships? Yeah, they don't exist in my life. After being engaged I still find it very hard to have any boy come close to being that great. I'm trying, but I don't see it. I think it's the fact that I've come to the conclusion that to me, people are not supposed to be tied down to one person. Not only that but I've gotten to the point where affection makes me uncomfortable- both receiving and being around others that are affectionate. Yeah, I should probably see a shrink but I'm too damn stubborn and think that I have everything already figured out.

Family? Doesn't exist either. Lynette and her family moved to Atlanta and they were the last ones standing. My brother has been "checked out" so to speak since December. And my parents were never really there at all. The divorce still isn't over and it's still absolutely ridiculous.

My boys. Still forever true. There are those friends you have that no matter how often you talk to them or even how often you don't talk to them, they're always there for you no matter what. And the best part about my boys is that even though I was scared of losing them all because of my lifestyle change, they proved me wrong, have supported me the whole way through this process and are still there every night when I'm in Jersey. There are a few others that I still love and our relationship never seems to change no matter how much times passes: Dave, Mollie, Mark, and Al. I love my friends. No, I love my true friends.

"Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends."

Friday, 07 December 2007

...definitely forgot about this thing...

So the semester is coming to a close and it's been one hell of a ride. Boys have come in and out of my life, none that were all that special but all were a good time. The divorce is only getting uglier and uglier, I can't wait till it's over and done with. I've done pretty well academically. I've been trying to quit smoking again, but it's by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's a long process [to quit] but it's worth it- I mean look at those new NY Quits commercials, I wish I could have those on replay in my head so I could quit. Friends: I've shifted gears of course, story of my life, but things change and no one is in your life forever; they're there for a season or a reason and if you're lucky a lifetime, but those are far and few between. Sports have become a huge part of my life again, watching and playing, and it couldn't make me happier.

Am I happy?
What I have been striving for my entire life other than to be perfect, is to be happy. I've learned this year what it takes to make me happy, and it takes a lot. I need to be surrounded by people who respect me and appreciate what I have to offer. I need to be needed. I need to be busy and active. I need to have a home where the people that I live with are welcoming and interested in my life- as I need to be of theirs. I need a family- it doesn't have to be blood because mine has already failed, but my friends and my boys make up for it. But what I have really learned about my happiness is that it's a state of mind- if I want to be happy, if I want to enjoy all that I have am content with what I don't have, I will be happy. There are times and periods where I'm blinded and forget about what makes me happy but I'm learning ways to deal with it and avoid it. Music, dance, and physical activity compensate. Playing the piano, busting a move, or lifting, running, or yoga make it all better. If those aren't working, I've got my brother to tell me "it's all okay. it's all worthwhile."

I can't wait to be home. I miss the city. I miss my boys.

Thursday, 06 September 2007

i met a boy worth keeping. i love ithaca. i love school. and i love my house.

Wednesday, 04 July 2007

It's not easy for either one of my parents to see other people after 21 years of marriage or something like it. They're both trying to move on, and I give them credit for that. My dad asked my brother and me how we felt about him dating- Phil said he wasn't comfortable with it, and I said he can go for it but she has to treat him well, and regardless of anything, I'm not ready to meet her whom ever she may be. My mother on the other hand had no respect for either me or Phil and just brings home random guys. When I mentioned to my mother that my dad was seeing other people she stormed out, returned shortly after and asked "when is he getting married?" First of all, they're merely seeing each other, no wedding, nothing official or steady- just something fun. But my mother was bawling still even after I explained it to her. Then I proceeded to tell her no matter when my dad starts dating, it's going to hurt, but that doesn't mean he's getting remarried. I mean to be honest, I'm still hurting from my break up with Rich. And I know Phil is still hurting about Erika. Why do we hold on even months after it's over? Why do we hurt even after months of no communication? What are we holding on to? What makes it so difficult to move on? Why can't we feel those feelings, that connection with another person just as quickly as it ended?

All I want is for the divorce to be over, and for the four of us to happily, and more importantly, honestly, find a newer, better, and healthier relationship.